I won't lie. These past few weeks have been the hardest for me. Since the first day of this month, things keep going wrong... well, until yesterday when I finally found things going well. I smiled freely for the first time in days. I even looked younger, and my heart felt much lighter. I was so happy to finally have one thing going right, and I thoughtfully decided to put up a new blog post today.
I won't bore you with the details of how crazy and worked up i have been, but it has left me stressed enough to start seeking comfort food (which I had stopped doing a while ago. I do not eat my emotions, but i love some crunchy snacks here and there), and I was constantly in a bad mood. I didn't even want to talk to my dad who, by the way, we have a lot of inside jokes with. I felt completely and utterly humiliated and no matter how many times my sister and my best friend told me that I wasn't a loser, I saw it on my forehead every time I looked in the mirror.
You know, when you've had a very conservative life during your teens, you tend to sort of try to avoid being upset. I have always been the kind of person who shoved the anger and pain and disappointment at the back of my mind. Somehow, I'd forget everything and go on living my life in whatever path it decided to take. Put simply, I'd like to think my disposition is happy-go-lucky. Since this month began, I have been anything but... and I feel it is better to talk about it than skulk in my room all day.
Despite the obvious anxiety and dissatisfaction i already felt, I tried to smile through it all and my cheeks were always hurting. I was so withdrawn, my mum realized something was wrong. Then she recently walked in on me awake at midnight. I had told my parents good night at about nine pm, but for three hours, I was lying in bed, dressed to sleep, covered warmly, with a full tummy, and i was just there.
Staring at the darkness as if it held all the answers to my predicaments.
I was stuck in a rut and I couldn't get myself out of it. Mum walked in, and I pretended i was asleep, but it took me about an hour to finally convince myself to actually do the task i had set my mind to.
Enter Karaoke
Those who read my posts know that I do love to sing and I even have accounts on social media where i forward my recordings for all who follow me to see.
Those who follow my twitter also know that I have been very busy promoting my music on that platform too. Especially, quite recently, Red Karaoke.
Now, Red Karaoke is an app i think every karaoke-inclined person should have. Why? Because from the safety of your enclosure, house, cube...you can make a very lovely cover. Been using it since mid last year... it helps me anytime I am upset.
So, last week, i got into the Zayn-Taylor cover mood, what with their single on the radio everyday. I went on Red Karaoke and found the audios. Then I did three duets with two people. The next day, I decided to do my own version.Then I couldn't stop singing. I swear the neighbours must have heard me. Not that I cared.
I was doing therapy. With every cover I published on the site, a little bit more of my happy-go-lucky disposition returned. When i finally called it a day, perfect audios or not, I was in a very good mood. The mood stayed with me until Monday of this week when I went to see a big boss in the PH office. I wasn't exactly pleased by the words he said, but i kept a brave face.
When I went to lunch, I cheered up because I went to this place where my friends and I went more than once when we lived in Kitale. I was a bit lonely, but i smiled as i watched people, used wattpad and listened to music on my phone. When i finally finished lunch,I sent the waitress who had been serving me a thankful smile. I don't know if she noticed the change in my demeanor, but she smiled back too. Told her I'd see her around sometime soon.
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At the end of my very disturbing visit, i came back home and I sat through my night in obvvious agitation.
No One.
The next day (yesterday) i did as I had been requested by the council (PHOTC) and found myself thinking too much. When i got to EIA, I took a deep breath (not that the air around me was exactly freshening. Did it to prepare myself) and I decided to just go with what I would be told. See, Happy-go-lucky was back.
Somehow, the Universe decided i needed a different outcome, and surprisingly, my meeting went well. I took the long way to the exit, listening to Nick Jonas and just smiling to myself the entire time. When I got back home, in celebration, I did a few things around the house then... yes... Red Karaoke.
I sang two songs, but what made me happier was "No One" by Alicia Keys. It came out close to perfect according to my vocal range, which I am starting to think is nowhere near hers. Then I couldn't stop listening to my audio rendition of the song. I fell asleep listening to myself. It was lovely.
Which put me in a better mood today.
Right now I have facial scrub on my face. Have to go rinse off. Thank you sweetpies.
Sincerely,
Me.
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